Saturday, March 29, 2014

Lost and Found

In 1992 my mother passed away, after suffering for years from angina, high blood pressure, and diabetes not to mention everything my brother and I put her thru raising 2 kids after my father passed away when I was 9. Of course at the time, being the selfish spoiled child I was with only 2 children of my own I could not wait to purge her from my life. Now don't get me wrong, there was plenty of fault on both sides. My mother was a difficult woman, I realized later that she loved babies and adults but didn't like children or teenagers. She was also a product of her generation, she was born into 1911 rural Mexico. Girls were second  class citizens, it was fine for them to work as a maid, nanny or cook. Everything was centered around the son in the family and the sun rose and set on mijo. To top it all off she wasn't my birth mother she was my paternal aunt and I still remembered my birth mother. The story of how and why I was adopted is a story for another time.  Girls did not go to college, they got married. Then they were supposed to have sons to carry the family name. So back to the purge. 

I got rid of quite a few things that just said mama to me, others I held onto but mostly because I had coveted them when she was still alive, namely our old wooden radio, her black wool vintage coat, a vintage dress from 1963 which I'm sorry to say now fits me, again a story for another time and her engagement ring. Hey I have issues but I'm not stupid. One of the things I got rid of was an orange, pedestal free form fruit bowl also from1963. I got rid of it because I saw that bowl every morning I lived in her house. It represented everything that was broken about our family. I once described living at home with my brother and mom as a prisoner of war camp, we were from different countries that were allies but not friends. I was the first to get liberated. So flash forward a few years, I had joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I had married into a family that although they have their quirks the love is unconditional and I had also worked on some of my geneology work for my family and taken their names to our Temple.  In doing so I learned that we are all human, we make mistakes, and Our Father in Heaven has forgiven the unforgivable in us so who are we to withhold forgiveness for others? 

In 2000, I started searching for a replacement for the bowl. It became important to me to find it again. I searched garage sales, thrift stores and antique shops. It took me 14 years but I found it! Today, John and I went to lunch in Riverside, we then went to Downtown to walk off lunch and poke around in some of the shops. The last place we went into was the 4-story antique mall. And we started on the top and worked our way down, I finally shared with my hubby my quest for the bowl and my regret in blythely giving it away. So we searched, I tried on vintage hats, we sat on sofas that needed reupholstering, we played with vintage toys, I found a vintage dress form that I would have loved to adopt but her price was a bit steep. Finally we decided to leave and I was again expressing my regret as we left the store, I happened to look to my left in the window and there in the corner was the bowl! I had missed it in my earlier walk thru. Back into the store and twelve dollars later I am now the happy owner of an orange bowl that is identical to the one I gave away. Oh happy day. 

Terri

Saturday, March 22, 2014

In Praise of Melanie Hamilton Wilkes


I am a huge fan of the movie "Gone With the Wind". For years, I obsessed over it. I learned how to make corsets because of this movie. I let my mom dress me in a hoop skirt for my first formal because of this movie. I lugged that 1071 page book around and could quote passages from it.  For years I wanted to be Scarlett O'Hara, after all she was the central figure in the story. Two problems with this, one, I did not have a strong female role model during this crucial time in my life, I was eleven, and two, I missed the real heroine in the story, Melanie Wilkes. 

True, Scarlett is dynamic, all the men in the county desire her, she has the smallest waist in 3 counties but she is a selfish being. It takes her until the very end of the story to realize that she needs Melanie, doesn't love Melanie's husband Ashley and see that her true love has been right in front of her for 12 years!  I'm thick but not that thick. 

How often have we wanted something that was totally wrong for us just because we had our heart set on it? As imperfect humans we tend to lean on our own understanding and make choices that we then have to suffer the consequences of. If Scarlett had actually married Ashley at the beginning of the story, I think she would have gotten over her infatuation of him very soon after the Civil War ended and they both would have been miserable ever after. Lesson learned. But no, instead he continues to be the thing she desires until the bitter end until reality in the form of the one person who has loved her all along dies.  Does she ever get Rhett Butler back? Probably not, I don't think he divorces her but he treats her with kindness. I think she finally became a better mother and a nicer person to those around her but that's it. I think she was alone the rest of her life. 

So back to Melanie, at the beginning of the story, we learn as does Scarlett, that Ashley is engaged to his cousin Melanie Hamilton. Scarlett being Scarlett can't decide what to wear for their first meeting  in the story and ascribes to Melanie her own catty personality traits. Instead, we are privy to Melanie complimenting Scarlett to her cousins about her vivacity and high spirits and pointing out that it's understandable that the men would flock to her. Later when Scarlett makes the first of her multitude of bad choices, marrying of all people Charles Hamilton, Melanie's reaction is to welcome her into the family and rejoice because they are now "true sisters". During the war, Scarlett's outrageous behavior brings down all sorts of censure and Melanie steadfastly defends her. When the wounded are brought to be nursed, Scarlett is sickened by their suffering, Melanie nurses them gladly. The only reason that Scarlett takes Melanie to Tara  during Sherman's invasion of Atlanta? She had promised Ashley to look after Melanie, if not Scarlett would have left her to her own devices and run screaming from the house. While at Tara, a deserter from the North attempts to rob the plantation and rape Scarlett. Scarlett shoots him but Melanie is willing to endanger her own life by rising from her sick bed grabbing her brother's sword to defend Scarlett when she hears the shot. She then covers for Scarlett by telling the others on the plantation who come running that Scarlett had been cleaning a gun and it went off. Scarlett is more impressed with Melanie's quick lie than she is with her willingness to defend her. 

After the war, Melanie feeds the soldiers making their way home while Scarlett begrudges them every mouthful until Melanie points out that she hopes Ashley is receiving food and help on his way home. During reconstruction, it's more of the same, Scarlett to her credit, starts a business and supports her family but her underlying motive is always to keep Ashley close. She is caught embracing Ashley by his sister and her friend, Melanie's reaction when she is told by her sister-in-law? Disbelief. She orders Ashley's sister India from the house and points out to her that she and her son would not be alive if it were not for Scarlett. 

Scarlett throughout the entire story believes that Melanie is a fool.  But is she? Melanie, is a kind soul, with no malice or guile. She is a character that is comparable to Jane Bennett in "Pride and Prejudice", she is so pure of spirit that she can conceive of only good in those she loves. She is a fierce defender of her loved ones and as Rhett Butler points out to an oblivious Scarlett, one who possesses true bravery. Her death at the end of Gone With the Wind is the most tragic death in a story full of tragic deaths. It is in this moment that Scarlett finally realizes that she loved Melanie more than her own sisters and that she depended on her quiet strength more than she realized. I like to believe that in finally learning this lesson, Scarlett spent the rest of her life trying to emulate Melanie. 

Quiet strength is not a trait that everyone possesses. Some of us are vocal in our laments about the tragedies that befall us. Some of us think that we are only strong by bullying others. I remember a particular individual I worked with that believed this. He would use his size to intimidate those of us who were smaller. I understand that in the last few years his personality had undergone a change and he was no longer a bully. If his Facebook page at the time of his recent and untimely death is any indication I have to believe he had changed.  

The reason for this post? I came across the above picture and it struck me how underrated a character Melanie is, so is Jane Bennett. Another character with that same quiet strength is Samwise Gamgee, the difference is that Jane and Sam's qualities are acknowledged by those closest to them. While thinking on Melanie and her qualities I kept thinking about this scripture:

10  Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. 

Most people remember the above scripture but here is the rest of it: 

11 The heart of her husband doth safelytrust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14 She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
18 She perceiveth that her merchandise isgood: her candle goeth not out by night.
19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household areclothed with scarlet.
22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it;and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread ofidleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain:but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.
-Proverbs 31:10-31

So lesson learned, the character to admire? Melanie Hamilton Wilkes the unsung heroine of Gone With the Wind not Katie Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler the only thing I want to emulate from her is her ability to wear a corset and hoop skirt and not look like a walking igloo! 
Cheers,
Terri